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What do masturbation and Billiards have in common?


Q: What do Billiards and masturbation have in common?

A: it's all about the stroke!

Luis Suarez


What's Luis Suarez favorite food?

Ears


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Martial Arts Jokes


Listed below is a collection of Funny Martial Arts Sports Jokes, Jokes about Martial Arts. SportsJokeCafe.com has a large funny joke collection sorted by sport category


 
A blind man goes into a ladies bar, sat at the bar he turns to the woman next to him and says "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?" The woman replies "As you are blind I feel its only fair to warn you, this is a ladies bar, I'm blonde and a champion at karate, my two friends are blonde and are professional wrestlers and the barmaid is blonde. Now do you really want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a moment.... "No, I don't want to have to explain it four times."
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  Dictionary of important martial arts terms
Aikidō: A Japanese martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course your enemy does not know how to properly do ukemi - in which case he will have all his bones shattered in no time. Aikiodo is also known as "the fastest way to union with the ground." Arnis: "Harness of the hand," a Filipino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, concentrating on stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronunciation of the art guarantees a quick taste. Bō: A long stick. Very useful for bashing people. Bokken / bokutō: A stick that looks like a sword. Bunkai: "Analysis." Sometimes the sensei actually expects you to know what you are doing. Dan: Someone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt in a Japanese martial art. Darn: The sound uttered when a Dan realises that from now on they will get hit more frequent and more ruthless during training. Dōjō: "Place of the way." A training hall - similar to a B&D parlour, but without the mistresses. Hakama: A black skirt worn primarily by Aikidōka, but they don't really like to talk about it. (comment by an irritated Aikidōka: "At least we don't train merely in our underwear...") Hikite: A chivalrous act in karate. By putting the fists to the hip the opponent is given a chance. Iaidō: "Way of the sword," the art of drawing a katana from its scabbard. A rather interesting sport developed around the principle of "look how big mine is." Jō: A short stick, but it still has a greater reach than a chopstick. After all still fairly useful for bashing people. Jūdō: "Gentle way," a Japanese pastime where grown men roll around cuddling each other. Karate: "Empty hand." The purpose of this Japanese art is the smashing of wood, bricks and humans. Karatekas enjoy pain; this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips. Kata: A series of prearranged movements practiced in many martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that might involve pain. Katana: A sharp metal stick. Kendō: An unusual activity involving wearing strange costumes and hitting each other with sticks while making inhuman sounds. Could be a cult. Kiai: A battle cry that is supposed to go with the release of immense energies. It is can also be used to render an opponent incapacitated with fear (or laughter). Kobudō: "The old way," a collective term for martial arts which turned ploughshares into swords. Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Students of Praying Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs. Makiwara: The karateka's equivalent to a cat's scratching post. Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who graded in a McDojo or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 29.95 per month. McDojo: Belts and glossy certificates on the quick. Special offers are available upon request. Who needs blood, sweat and hard work, anyway? Nunchaku: Two connected sticks. Harmless looking but dangerous. Especially for the inexperienced user. Ninja: A confused individual who takes pride in sneaking around at night in his pyjamas packed with hidden weapons. Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around at night in your pyjamas packed with hidden weapons. Seiza: It took the Japanese centuries to discover and cultivate the most painful sitting position possible for the human body. Senpai: A more experienced student who is not yet a Dan; often used by the sensei for practical explanations. Ouch. Sensei: "Teacher." The alpha of the dōjō. Knows everything, capable of everything. Supposedly. Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that that the sensei doesn't realise that you don't know any decent technique or kata. Tae kwon do: This Korean martial art that relies on its followers to develop the velocity of sound and the flexibility of professional ballet dancers. Tai chi chuan: An art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. Unfortunately by the time you develop this ultimate power you are close to death anyway. Uke: A way to avoid substantial unpleasantries; but also the name of the poor blighter who is about to be flung headfirst into the mat in the name of practice. Zen: The discipline of enlightenment that emphasises on meditation. Mostly taught by old and confused monks who have had too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditations.
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  You know you are doing too much karate if....
You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance. You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church. You answer Ussss. To your boss. You are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them. You tie your bathrobe belt in a perfect knot; then check to make sure the ends are exactly even. You accept change from the cashier using a knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in. When you're outside doing gardening you practice with all the neat 'weapons'. You look for new accommodation based on the amount of practice space it provides (who needs a bedroom?). You find yourself practicing bo techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings. You notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets. You find yourself practicing stances while standing in lines. Strangely, most people are standing cautiously far, far away from you. You don't use any tools while splitting firewood.
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  First Judo Competition
Tommy's dad brought him to his first Judo competition. Noting that the organizers seemed a little shorthanded he approached the table. "Good morning," he said to the Director, "you look a little shorthanded. Anything I can do to help?" "Well it just so happens we're short a fighter for the under 90 kg division," the director replied "Sorry," Tommy's dad said, "I don't know a thing about Judo." "That's OK" said the director. "We need referees too."
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  Two Old Buddies
There were two old buddies who continued to compete in judo tournaments well past their prime. One day, while relaxing after yet another competition, they were chatting and wondering if there is judo in heaven and made a pact that whoever passed away first would come back and let the other know. About a week later one of the old judoka passed away. About a month after that the surviving old judoka was at yet another competition when all of a sudden he saw an apparition. Sure enough it was his old buddy who had come back to see him. "Well, please tell me," asked the surviving judoka. "Are there judo competitions in heaven?" "I have good news and bad news for you," replied the apparition to his old judo buddy. "The good news is that, yes, there are judo competitions in heaven. The bad news is that your first match is against Jigoro Kano day after tomorrow."
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  Master Sensei
This man wanted to join a masonic order which only accepted Judo players. He went along on initiation night with two other players, a yellow belt, and an orange belt. The man himself was a blue belt, so he was quite hopeful. "First of all," said worshipful master Sensei, after everyone had made their rei, "you must prove to us how fit you are, how strong you are, and how resourceful you are. To do this, you must run two hundred yards, scale a fifteen foot wall and cross a six foot moat. This will get you into the animal enclosure at the zoo. You will then throw, hold down, and armlock the largest gorilla in the zoo. After this, gentlemen, you must find, seduce and satisfy my daughter." The initiation started. The yellow belt twisted his ankle during the 200 yard run and dropped out. Then the orange belt fell off the wall into the moat and drowned. The blue belt however forged on, and entered the gorilla's cage. The walls of the cage themselves seemed to bulge and shake. There were grunts and groans, and the Masons outside looked at each other in trepidation. Eventually the blue belt staggered out, his obi round his neck, his gi tattered, but on his face the most beatific expression. "Wow," he muttered, "that was something else". He bowed to the worshipful master and said, "OK, Sensei, so where is this girl that you want me to throw, hold down, and armlock?"
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