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What do masturbation and Billiards have in common?


Q: What do Billiards and masturbation have in common?

A: it's all about the stroke!

Luis Suarez


What's Luis Suarez favorite food?

Ears


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Squash Jokes


Listed below is a collection of Funny Squash Sports Jokes, Jokes about Squash. SportsJokeCafe.com has a large funny joke collection sorted by sport category


  Incidents by Tarras Tovar
Funny Squash Incidents, for the History Deptm. by Tarras Tovar, /June 1992/. No. 1 / Mohibullah.. Drysdale Cup, the Junior World Championship, Royal Automobile Club, Pall Mall, London, 1972. Mohibullah Khan from Pakistan, seeded no. 1, in the final beat Peter Verow, Englands no.1, in 3 games and 30 minutes. /I lost in the quarter/. After the match Mohibullah took of his new white Fred Perry shirt with dark blue monogram M.K., folded it and put it back in the original plastic bag as if it was never used… I remember seeing the iron marks on the shirt after the match. He never passed the showers… “The lessons for me”: Pakistanis are fit on court.. they seldom sweat in Europe.. if they don´t need to shower, they don’t.. and they are very good in squash… No.2 / The Yellow Dot. Drysdale Cup, early rounds, RAC, London, 1971. One of my junior team mates in the Swedish National Junior Team, /we can call him Johan/, was warming up on the centre court. The normal, a bit tense atmosphere was in the air. A packed gallery, with many well dressed ladies and gentlemen in suits. Several officials from the English SRA, including John Horry and the referee Jack Gilles. After a couple of strokes from my friend, we could see that Johan was not happy with the bounce of the ball. He took up the ball, looked at it. Turned around to Jack Gilles.. –“This is not a yellow prick”.. –“Jack, do you have balls with a yellow prick?”…. /For non Swedes, dot in Swedish is called prick/ /RAC, my favorite club in London, all facilities, pool, restaurants, relax rooms and showers like waterfalls. Other favorites are Landsdown Club, Queens Club and Junior Charlton Club./ No. 3 / Inflation in Egyptian Club. Gezira Sporting Club, Cairo, Dec 1975. In training for the Swedish National Championship, in Mars 1976. My coach Abdel Wahed Aziz, a fantastic coach and friend, had the idea to train in Cairo for the Swedish National Championship. I followed his advise, bought a ticket and travelled to Egypt. In Cairo at the best club, Gezira Sporting Club, with several pools, squash, tennis, gym, polo, horse track, restaurants and bars. I looked forward to 3 fantastic weeks of hard training… Some of the best Egyptian players played at the club, Gamal Awad and his brother Mohamed Awad to mention the best. The courts at the time was outdoor courts with a cotton cover if rain should start. During one of my matches the first week, rain started and the cover was not in place until the floor was covered with water. A very interesting experience to slide around the tiled floor, /no wood flooring/. The match continued with a funny flat and strange bounce of the ball. My squash improved considerable during those weeks, playing different players of world class, in a different environment to say the least… However, off court I was not used to service from servants and ball boys doing their best to please a Swedish guest. Every time I was served a drink, food, washing of clothes or a sport massage, I gave some Egyptian piaster in tip. Not much in Swedish currency, but enough for 20 of the service personnel to every morning stand in a line and do a military salute when I entered the club.. -“Good morning Mr. Tarras”, as they bowed. I didn’t understand why I got the extra treatment until one of the older members in the club explained.. –“ You give to much in tip, to many piasters to the service boys.. You create inflation in the club, please stop”. /Two of my other favorite clubs in Cairo are Heliopolis Club and The National Club also called Ali Club/ No. 4/ My second National Senior Title.. Linkoping, March 1976, Swedish National Senior Championship. After jungle training in Cairo and some extreme hard training for 2 months in Stockholm.. Quarter final against Mike Nathanson, a Saturday morning on the way to the semi final... Semi on the centre court against Lars Kvant in the afternoon.. Lars had up until that year always difficulties to beat me. We started at 16.00. Full house and packed in the gallery. Two all in games after almost an hour. The fifth new dry shirt on, a half liter of Gatorade and two salt tablets, before entering the court and the fifth.. I was quite tired but in a extraordinary fighting spirit and fit like never before /or later/. Lasse who is a fantastic fighter started very well in the final game 1-0, 2-0, 3-0, 4-0 serve back etc. 5-0 and 6-0 in his favor. At 0-6 in my perspective in the fifth, I wasn’t on top in any way… I felt the pressure, as any good player feel stress being down 0-6 in the final game. I remember the closeness to the cracking. Ideas about trying wild winners, often comes up under physical and mental pressure. But I stayed disciplined, thinking of the old saying and advise, that it’s never to late to turn the match. He could start to relax etc.. I got the serve back and 1-6, 2-6, 3-6, 4-6, 5-6 in one hand without losing the serve. My thought was almost back in the match, hang on I told myself. 6-6, 7-6 and Lasse started to feel the pressure, to my pleasure… He also looked tired and a bit stiff in the legs. The effort and success in the last 5 minutes up to that moment gave me more adrenalin pumping in the blood system. Next 8-6 and match point, still without losing the serve from 0-6. A long and very tiring rally, with plenty of deception and tricks ended with a nick shot from my side in the backhand front corner. The match. Lasse was very quick to congratulate. –“ I saw the silver cup at the tin, was his reflexion”. The lesson for me was, Never Give Up. When the opponent start “seeing the cup at the tin”, go for Lex N-G-U. The next day I was unstoppable in the final vs. Mikael Hellstrom, and my second title a fact. Squash is fantastic when preparation, a clear strategy and the flow are in place at the same time….. No. 5/ Strip Poker on court.. In the early 80’s , I was in the starting process of a relationship with a very nice looking, intelligent and in squash very promising girl /no names/. That summer we had exclusive access to a squash centre for training. The centre was closed to the public for the summer. The idea was that I should increase her squash skills as much as possible in a couple of weeks.. We did all kind of traditional training the first week. The second week, I felt that we should renew our training method to get the excitement and creativity back. I introduced some new rules.. The rules: The match is played in best of 13 games. After every game you lose, you have to take off one piece of cloth. After three games, the shirt, the skirt and the wrist band were off.. After six games the picture was different.. I will always remember the matches that summer, as something extra regarding fighting spirit, motivation and excitement on court… No. 6/ In Sportsmans Bar at Hong Kong Football Club, Happy Valley, Hong Kong, Mars 1992. First time I met Colin Butterfield at my HK club, he told me after our match /my win 3-1/ why he was in Hong Kong. His words: -“I was working as a pilot for RAF in England. But I have problems with loops and advanced spinning, I used to vomit in the mask and cockpit. My balance is a bit to good.” After some severe vomits, the RAF management wanted a meeting with Colin and started: -“We have twonews for you Butterfield. One good one and one bad one. Which one would you like to hear first?” Colin: -“The bad news.” RAF Colonel:- “You are fired from the Royal Air Force. /Colin had a salary of approx. 40.000GBP a year/. Colin: And the good news?” RAF Colonel: -“We have arranged an employment for you with Cathay Pacific, as captain on 747’s”. / The salary at Cathay was four times the one at RAF at the time/. My reflection: -“Always go for the bad news first”. No. 7/ The World Team Championship, Birmingham, UK, April–May 1976. The Swedish International Team, myself, Lars Kvant and Mikael Hellstrom were in top form in late April after a very tough and long season. Team leaders were two brothers and former Swedish Champions, Ulf “The Organizer” and Bosse “The Doc” Jacobsson. During the ten days long event Bosse had had his pockets full of chocolate bars for distribution to us players at the right time to keep our blood sugar level at a perfect level. After several group matches, we were in the quarter final against Egypt.Micke started by taking on Gamal Awad. After some very good play and some fireworks from Gamal, Egypt won the first match. The second match was Ali Aloba and myself. As I had played a lot in Egypt, I knew their strength, tricks and weakness and was prepared. I played one of my best matches in my career and won 3-1. With 1-1 in matches the final and deciding match was between Lars Kvant and Mohamed Awad. Lasse started well but Mohamed slowly worked himself in to the match. At 2-2 in games and 8-8 the tension was “On a Top”. Acouple of minutes later 9-9, with match points going to Sweden, and back to Egypt several times. After yet some minutes Mohamed sneaked a lucky shot in to the nick, and closed the win for Egypt. Very close but no cigar for Sweden. However neither before 1976 or after, have The Swedish National Squash Team done a better result in the World Team Championship. No. 7/ The test. In 1977, RF, Riksidrottsforbundet, wanted to test all National teams. The Swedish Squash Team were tested for half a day at the Physiology High School, GIH in Stockholm. We did all kind of tests including endurance, fitness, strengths, hart and blood tests. The test results showed that only one national team had better results.. The Cross Country Skiing Team. No. 8/ Training with Jonah Barrington, Linkoping June 1977. The Swedish squash association hired “The Legend” Jonah Barrington for two weeks of extreme hard training with the National Team. The theme was Jungle Training and it was. We started every day at 8.00 with breakfast. 09.00 – Court training to 10.00. 11.00 - Physical training to 11.45. 12.00 – Lunch. 13.30 – Court training, with drills to 15.00. 16.30 – Running or sprints 10x 400 meter to 17.30 18.00 – Dinner. 19.00 – Matches to 20.30. It´s one of the hardest training camps I´ve attended, and this kind of training is only for the very mentally fit. Physically very fit you have to be already before you start the camp…
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  Country Inn
A badminton player, a squash player and a tennis player decided to stay at a country inn, but when they arrived there, the innkeeper told them he only had 2 beds free, one of them would have to sleep in the barn. "That's OK", said the badminton payer, "I`ll sleep in the barn." So off he went. A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see the badminton player who explained that he was unable to sleep in the barn as there was a pig in there, and he could not sleep with a pig. "That's OK," said the squash player., "I`ll sleep there." So off he went. A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see the squash player there, who explained that he was unable to sleep in the barn as there was a cow in there, and he could not sleep with a cow. "That's OK," said the tennis player, "I`ll sleep there." So off he went. A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see a cow and a pig stood there.....
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  Keeping Cool
Q: How do squash players stay cool during a game? A: They stand near the fans!
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